It's ok to fall down and skin your knee...

Take Gerald the sheep for instance. He is afraid, but he still takes the leap and gets to the other side. I think. :)

Sometimes it's scary to take the unknown path, or to do something outside of your comfort zone. I had this conversation with my friend Caitlyn last night. We both discussed how it's terrifying to feel as if you are "failing" but not going on the road you chose in college or what your career is destined to be. Personally, this is killing me. I feel like I've invested so much time and money and effort into this degree, that I need to use it. And I have been. BUT it's not working. It's not making me happy. In fact, I'm sad. So I need to change this. I just don't know how to begin....

 

I'm a huge believer in having faith and that things happen for a reason. Call me the crunchy, granola type, but I honestly believe the cosmic universe has some sort of plan that we are unsure of. I think God sits up in heaven and cracks up when we say "I'm going to do such and such." He's like, "sure, go ahead. Let me know how it turns out." And you know what, 9 times out of 10 it's a huge bust. But I think that's what makes us human, that we fail. It's how we pick ourselves up and learn from these mistakes that make us stronger. Like Gerald above. We don't give up.


I feel like though there is someone out there in this big ole world that wants me to fail. I kid you not (I can show you my Gmail outbox if you don't believe me!) I applied to 250 jobs in the past month and a half. I heard from 2. 1 was a phone interview where the woman said she loved me. That was promising. Yet now all of a sudden they are no longer interested. Ugh. I wonder if my name is associated with some crazy person or something. Who knows. Anyway, to whomever I pissed off or hates me in the universe that feels the need to ruin my life by not letting me find any sort of dang job, I'm sorry for whatever I did. I mean that.

Here is the point I'm trying to make. I've been terrified about some things lately. Terrified is an understatement. My career isn't going the way I want it to. Heck, I don't have a career! Yes, I'm using my degree. That part I'm thrilled about. But, I can't provide for my family, nor am I in a situation where I could stick with this job long term. I need a change. And that scares me.

Also, I've found out some news about my baby maker- it may be broken. This sucks. I've kept this in and only told a few folks the full details, but it's hard for me because I know C wants a kid and I may not be able to make this happen. I feel like a horrible wife- I can't provide my husband with the one thing he wants. That kills me. He has been totally understanding, which is amazing, and he has never made me feel horrible about this, but it's just something that I myself am dealing with. I mean, come on. As a woman, we are supposed to be the ones that bear the kids, right? And what do you do if you can't? I know, adoption is an option and I'm not ruling that out, but I really really really want C to have a kid of his own flesh and blood. I just have to get over this. Again, it's part of the whole "change" process. And I hate it.

I'm trying not to go crazy over all these negatives in my life at the moment. I'm trying to stay strong and smile and put on a happy face. But inside I'm going bananas. I honestly have been thinking of going to a shrink, with the hopes that just talking about it will help. That is why I'm writing this. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to take that step and let a complete stranger know my deepest, darkest secrets. But, then again, don't I do that on here? Hmmm. Perhaps this is the universe's way of telling me something.



There, I feel better. And hopefully the universe does too. :)