Thursday, July 7, 2011

It's ok to fall down and skin your knee...

Take Gerald the sheep for instance. He is afraid, but he still takes the leap and gets to the other side. I think. :)

Sometimes it's scary to take the unknown path, or to do something outside of your comfort zone. I had this conversation with my friend Caitlyn last night. We both discussed how it's terrifying to feel as if you are "failing" but not going on the road you chose in college or what your career is destined to be. Personally, this is killing me. I feel like I've invested so much time and money and effort into this degree, that I need to use it. And I have been. BUT it's not working. It's not making me happy. In fact, I'm sad. So I need to change this. I just don't know how to begin....

I'm a huge believer in having faith and that things happen for a reason. Call me the crunchy, granola type, but I honestly believe the cosmic universe has some sort of plan that we are unsure of. I think God sits up in heaven and cracks up when we say "I'm going to do such and such." He's like, "sure, go ahead. Let me know how it turns out." And you know what, 9 times out of 10 it's a huge bust. But I think that's what makes us human, that we fail. It's how we pick ourselves up and learn from these mistakes that make us stronger. Like Gerald above. We don't give up.

I feel like though there is someone out there in this big ole world that wants me to fail. I kid you not (I can show you my Gmail outbox if you don't believe me!) I applied to 250 jobs in the past month and a half. I heard from 2. 1 was a phone interview where the woman said she loved me. That was promising. Yet now all of a sudden they are no longer interested. Ugh. I wonder if my name is associated with some crazy person or something. Who knows. Anyway, to whomever I pissed off or hates me in the universe that feels the need to ruin my life by not letting me find any sort of dang job, I'm sorry for whatever I did. I mean that.

Here is the point I'm trying to make. I've been terrified about some things lately. Terrified is an understatement. My career isn't going the way I want it to. Heck, I don't have a career! Yes, I'm using my degree. That part I'm thrilled about. But, I can't provide for my family, nor am I in a situation where I could stick with this job long term. I need a change. And that scares me.

Also, I've found out some news about my baby maker- it may be broken. This sucks. I've kept this in and only told a few folks the full details, but it's hard for me because I know C wants a kid and I may not be able to make this happen. I feel like a horrible wife- I can't provide my husband with the one thing he wants. That kills me. He has been totally understanding, which is amazing, and he has never made me feel horrible about this, but it's just something that I myself am dealing with. I mean, come on. As a woman, we are supposed to be the ones that bear the kids, right? And what do you do if you can't? I know, adoption is an option and I'm not ruling that out, but I really really really want C to have a kid of his own flesh and blood. I just have to get over this. Again, it's part of the whole "change" process. And I hate it.

I'm trying not to go crazy over all these negatives in my life at the moment. I'm trying to stay strong and smile and put on a happy face. But inside I'm going bananas. I honestly have been thinking of going to a shrink, with the hopes that just talking about it will help. That is why I'm writing this. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to take that step and let a complete stranger know my deepest, darkest secrets. But, then again, don't I do that on here? Hmmm. Perhaps this is the universe's way of telling me something.

There, I feel better. And hopefully the universe does too. :)


  1. I totally understand you on the fear of failure, the cosmic plan, and the job frustration. Well, and on the baby maker. Are we living similar lives? HOnestly, your husband sounds awesome and understanding. But I have the same worries about Josh - I could live my whole life, gleefully, without ever worrying about having kids but I know Josh wants one. Add my NOT wanting one to my damaged goods, and well...the guilt and pressure is overwhelming. I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I can commiserate and if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

  2. @Layla Thank you Layla. Sometimes it is hard because I don't think people get it. They say, "it'll be fine." And it might be. BUT it might not be. And I'm guilty and miserable and cry all the damn time. Ugh. I love you. Thank you for being so damn awesome.

  3. Hang in there, girl. I am with you on all of this ... I've been trying to find a new job since October and have applied a million places, but with no luck. And I am having babymaker issues as well. We've been trying for close to a year now and it is so depressing and frustrating and ... ugh. Just, ugh. I have some fertility challenges and they appear to be taking over. If you ever need to commiserate ... you know how to contact me. :)

  4. Oh hun. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

    I graduated with a psychology degree, ended up in a job I hate and that inspired me to find my true passion, photography. I'm not using my degree at all and I have had some regrets in the past but I have none now. I wouldn't trade any of my experiences because they led me to photography. It took me four years but I got there. You will too. Just don't stop looking.

    As for the fertility stuff, I could have written the paragraph about feeling like a failure myself. I don't know how much you have read from my blog and twitter but I had surgery two months ago. I had cysts, endometriosis and two blocked tubes. My doctor told me the only way we would get pregnant is through in vitro.

    I was so angry. I was so mad at my body for failing at the one damn thing it was supposed to do. (Apparently I'm still pissed because the swear words just come out without me realizing it!) We are still hopeful that we will be able to get pregnant naturally but it's so hard. After 13 months of pain, negative tests and tears, I'm exhausted.

    I am here for you. Anytime you need me, I'm here. One thing you will learn is that there are a lot of women going through fertility issues and they are so supportive. I swear, I don't know what I would to without my twitter girls. The day my period starts and I am completely devastated, I have friends I can text/tweet and they are there for me immediately. I do the same for them and I will for you too. You are NOT alone.

  5. I'm ready more than ever to have drinks with you before B.Spears and give you a giant hug. You're going through so much right now and it sucks. I'm so sorry. None of this is your fault and somehow, it will all work out. There is a cosmic plan out there and this all will turn around for you. It has to.

  6. I'm so sorry you're in this situation! Talking to someone may help (love blogs for this reason too!) I'll definitely be praying for you as you seek a career that will work for you and a family/baby option that will leave you both feeling fulfilled. Hang in there sweetie!!